Talking trash and spanking

One of the things I love about this lifestyle is the confidence that it gives me to talk dirty. In the vanilla relationships I've had in the past, a lot of the point to talking dirty was to get my partner excited. It is all my partner so I have to try to think about what they will want to hear. I have always known that I am a narcissist and definitely no mind reader so I have always felt like I fail at this. Give me a slave and the whole game changes.

When I am talking dirty to my slave it is to enhance the effect that I am striving for in my interaction. Talking dirty is then all about what I want and I don't have to be a mind reader to know that. I have great confidence when the world revolves around me.

When I am spanking her and want her to get driven to a sexual frenzy, I simply tell her the things I am thinking of doing to her once I stop. Since she gets great pleasure from being used by me and bringing me pleasure, telling her how she is going to do that emphasizes the pleasure that she is getting from the spanking. 

When I am wanting her to be pliable, submissive, and soft, I talk to her about how she is a good girl and how pleased I am with her service to me and how much she can take for my pleasure. This combined with the spanking releases any hold she has on self desire and puts her in a very submissive state of mind. 

When I want her to work hard a pleasing me all I have to tell her is how dirty she is. I call her names while I spank her, let her know that her place is to please me, and it is easy for her to release all of her inhibitions and focus on my pleasure. 

I may not be that great at dirty talk but I know how to get what I want. Many people are insecure with this and afraid that they might not do it right or they might say the wrong thing. If a person just says what they feel, desire, or enjoy, they are on the right track. Sometimes it might not get the effect that you are shooting for so you can think of adjusting it next time. However, sometimes you just might get the result you want. Decide what effect you want and then think about what your partner would have to do or be to accentuate that effect. Try describing what you will do to enhance what you seek. Come from your personal desire without worry about your partner and see where this leads.

This Masters Sexual Muscle

Over the years I have heard many people talk about the brain being the biggest sexual organ. Usually, though, this is being referred to when talking about turning on a woman or getting her aroused. Most tend to think that this doesn't apply to men. There is a common belief that men achieve arousal through physical stimulation. Many men tend to believe this as well and that seems to add credence to this social perception. It still doesn't make it true though.

The brain is the centre for sexual arousal and fulfilment in people period. If that weren't true for men, they wouldn't be involved in BDSM. Many of the acts that are done in this lifestyle have no physical connection to sex. They are arousing but not inherently sexual. It is our brain that makes the sexual connection and then builds our desire. An example of that would be going to the walk in clinic to get a shot for rabies. The doctor or nurse stab a large needle into your abdomen 20 - 30 times. It is seldom perceived as enjoyable and I have never heard of someone being turned on by it. BDSM needle play, however, can be an incredible turn on for those doing it and receiving it. Some might even enjoy the needles to the abdomen. This is certainly a mental connection to sexuality though.

If a person understands themselves and what is truly responsible for arousing their passion, desire, and sexual drive, they can find ways to make the most of it. My biggest turn on is devotion and worship. Their is nothing that can get me hard as fast as a woman kneeling at my feet not just submitting to my will but finding value and worth in giving her entire being to me as her master and god. That, for me, is the ultimate fruition of power exchange.

Knowing that this is where my passion lies, I go to great lengths to teach my slaves how to control their thoughts, beliefs, and emotions so that they can conform them to my will. If a slave doesn't know how to be truly devoted, how can she give me absolute devotion? If a slave doesn't know how to worship, how can she give herself to me as her god.

I think that people, men especially, will benefit from learning to accept that sex is in the mind first. Explore your sexual mind. Get creative in your desire. Find connections and then learn how to accentuate them with the understanding that it is all in your mind. Who knows where this could lead. You may find a whole new world to explore.

The Truth About Total Power Exchange (TPE)

The quest for power has been part of the human experience from the beginning. We strive to have power over others. Power exchange is the logical outcome of that for a BDSM lifestyle. The problem is that the power we seek to gain from others is internal to them. We can not take the power that they have any more than they can give it away. That is a myth that is purported through so many aspects of our lives that we even have terms describing it as if it were possible. Total Power Exchange (TPE) cannot actually happen and if you shoot for this, you will either be disappointed in the results or misled on what you are receiving. In reality, power exchange is actually a matter of authority exchange.

Power, as referred to in a TPE relationship, is something that resides within the individual. Dictionary.com talks about power as an "ability to do or act". It is the "capability of doing or accomplishing something". A person can not give this away. They can, however, give away the authority to use and guide it. It is like a car that has 500 horse power. When you buy the car or drive the car, you can not take it's power. You can use it though. If you are behind the wheel and the car is running, you have the authority to use it however you see fit. There are ramifications but the car will not say no because it doesn't like what you are doing. Having a slave submit to your will gives the Dominant the authority to command the slave to do anything, within the slaves capabilities, that the slave has given consent to. Total authority exchange allows the Master to command ANYTHING within the slaves abilities and expect the slave to carry it out. It is still the slave, though, that has to carry it out. The power to fulfil the command still resides with the slave.

How then can you have complete control over a slave? The slave must give complete authority to the Master for their capabilities. The more control the slave has over their capabilities, actions, thoughts, behaviours, and beliefs, the more authority the slave is able to give to the Master. 

When TPE is looked at in this light, it becomes clear that the only way to truly accomplish it is to train the slave to have complete control over all aspect of themselves. Instead of training a slave to look to the master for control, they must look within. The Master is the guidance not the power. Training a slave to fully utilize their power gives a Master the authority to totally direct and control every aspect of a slave. Instead of seeking for Total Power Exchange, try to achieve Total Authority Exchange.

Emotional Empathy as a Master

It constantly amazes me how many men use D/s and M/s as an excuse to be emotionally inaccessible. They seem to believe that having a slave means that they don't have to deal with emotions. If they don't like them then the slave is not supposed to have them. They keep them selves emotionally distant from their slaves and refuse to help their slave to deal with the emotions that they have. It's as if, when a person becomes a slave, their emotional health and make-up no longer matter or have import. For some reason, they continue to hold this belief and then are always amazed that they can't find a good slave that will stay with them. I compare this to having a beautiful car but refusing to fuel it and then being upset that you can't drive it anywhere.

People have emotions and if you want to have a person as a slave, you need to accept the emotions that come with them. This doesn't mean that you let them run rampant and ruin your life. The trick is to train the slave how to deal with them. It is the Masters responsibility to guide the slave on their exploration and discovery of self. Showing them how to flourish within the boundaries of who they are is what being a Master is all about. In the Merriam-Webster dictionary the first definition of Master is about being a teacher or leader. Yes a Master is someone that controls workers or slaves but there is much more than that. I try not to judge others that don't see their responsibility as a Master in the same light as I do but that doesn't mean that I don't see the repercussions. Trying to have a relationship devoid of emotional responsibility is ALWAYS damaging. You can tell this by the pain involved.

If a person wants to control someone else, the first thing that they need to be able to do is to control themselves. Denying that you are doing or feeling something is not control. When an ostrich sticks it's head in the sand it is not controlling the lion that is attacking it. Denying your emotions is a form of sticking your head in the sand. You have them. Acknowledge them and then you can decide whether or not they benefit you. If they are of benefit, try to find ways to enhance and nurture them. If they are detrimental to you, try to find ways to change them and make them into something that is beneficial. Once you can do this for yourself, you will be able to help a slave take control of their emotions and make your lives what you want them to be.

There is nothing wrong with having emotions. Doms and Master need to take a good look at their own so that the emotions aren't ruling them. If the mind and logic is ruling a Master than they are capable of guiding their relationships in the way that they choose. If they let their emotions rule them the relationship will lead to abuse and pain. As a Dominant, it is incredibly important to see, understand, and empathize with your emotions as well as your slaves. Only through accepting them for what they are can you make them have worth and value to you.

What is Consensual

When it comes to BDSM, consensual is all about one person freely giving someone else the right to forcefully restrain them and, in many cases, subject them to intense sensory stimulation. In some cases, one person may even abdicate the right to make choices for them selves. The etymology of the word consensual stems from the word consensus which means in agreement. I tend to use the non standard form, consentual, in most of my writing and thoughts as it stems from the word consent. This is at the crux of all BDSM activities. The acronym BDSM combines bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M).

When the prerequisite for this kind of interaction is considered to be consent, it is hard to see where there can be a hazy area about what constitutes consent. Theoretically, if consent has not been given, BDSM interaction should not occur. This seems straight forward but the question arises over whether or not consent has been given. The line gets blurry on the idea of consensual non consent. This is where one person gives up the right to choose for themselves to another authority. Many fantasies are enacted through this idea. So how can you tell if the BDSM activity you are about to engage in is, in fact, consentual?

There are many levels of agreement, acknowledgement, and acceptance to be considered when deciding if consent has been given for the acts that are about to take place. If this interaction is about to take place between two or more individuals that have not had previous interaction in the manner and intensity of that being considered, one of the biggest steps that needs to happen is a detailed negotiation. Many people don't want to negotiate the interaction too much because they want the person receiving the actions to be surprised. Fear, anticipation, mental and emotional force, and resistance are all part of a successful interaction or scene for many. This does not mean that a detailed negotiation should be avoided, it just has to be carried out in a way that can assure consent is given for even unforeseen acts and circumstances. The art of instance or scene negotiation is beyond the scope of this post but, if requested, I can do a more detailed post on that.

If there is a history of BDSM interaction of the intensity and type being considered, parameters and limits should already be known. An opportunity to state any current limits that might not be know should be given to all involved. It is important to give an opportunity to refine parameters and limits each time. The only constant that a person can be certain of is change. Allow for this or you will find yourself involved in a scene or interaction where full consent was not knowingly or freely given. NEVER force consent. It must ALWAYS be freely given.

If consent is being considered for an extended period of time, negotiation is essential in defining the limits and extremes of the consent being given. A full understanding of how far and how long the consent is to be given for will go a long way in avoiding future misunderstanding and abuse. Spend the time filling in the details of the consent so that there is a clear understanding of where additional consent needs to be discussed.

If a person adheres to these ideas, they can be fairly secure in the knowledge that consent has been freely, and knowingly given. This lifestyle is something that is to happen between consenting adults. Make certain that ALL involved consent.

Why I seek M/s rather than Vanilla

Over the years I have had many ask me what it is about a Master/slave relationship that is so compelling for me. Many people think that it is all about the sex or having a woman do what ever you command. They see it as play and vanilla as real life. I understand this point of view as many that I see in this lifestyle live it this way. The BDSM is about fun and play. It enhances their sexual fulfilment and boosts their ego. The focus of the "dynamic" is on the physical interaction in the relationship. The slave or sub does what they are told. This can be enjoyable for a while but, from what I have witnessed, it seldom lasts a lifetime. I believe that this is where the question comes from. People perceive vanilla as the way to attain a lifelong relationship. There is a belief that a Master/slave or other form of BDSM dynamic can not truly be fulfilling and that there is more to life than this. Many tend to believe that, in order to live a rewarding and happy life, a vanilla relationship is required.
There are many holes in this thought pattern though. First and foremost is the idea that a vanilla relationship is about a lifelong commitment. The belief that vanilla is about having a life partner. Where do I begin with the flaws in this belief. First, and most obvious, is the incredible divorce rate in our present day society. If vanilla relationships were about having a life partner the divorce rate would not be as astronomical as it is.

The other main thought is that a person can't find fulfilment in a M/s or power exchange relationship. There is a strong belief, even in the BDSM community, that this leads to the denial of who and what a person is. That their personality is somehow lost through power exchange. Many believe that the slave is hollowed out and lives a meaningless and shallow existence. So many people believe that the only way to express who you are is through a vanilla relationship. This, once again, is a fallacy. If vanilla relationships encouraged a person to be who they are and express their unique personality, there would not be so much pressure to conform to the norm. Few people truly embrace individuality in others much less themselves. Vanilla relationships are great for this because they are all about forsaking things and people. If you have to forsake something then you are conforming to what someone else wishes. This is not expressing your unique individuality but rather conforming to someone else's idea of what you should be.

I have tried vanilla relationships a number of times throughout my life and have actually been married twice. I have never been able to find a comfortable fulfilling flow in them because of the lack of focus and direction in them. When both parties have an equal say, any difference in belief leads to a broken or distracted focus or direction. In order to mend this, one person has to conform to what the other believes to be the correct choice. This does not work well for me when I generally believe that what I see or perceive to be the best direction is different then what I am expected to capitulate to. If I see the validity in it or that it has just as much chance of being beneficial than I don't have too much of an issue going along with it. When I believe that it is incorrect or detrimental though, it usually turns out to be that way. I have found, over years of experience, that I see things differently than others and generally more accurately. Conforming to someone else's choices when they appear detrimental to me, is not something I have ever been able to be comfortable with.
A power exchange dynamic such as a Master/slave relationship does not have to be about giving up on unique individuality. It can actually be quite the reverse. Like having a life partner in a vanilla relationship, the hard part is finding the person that can fit with your uniqueness and vision.

The power exchange aspect of the relationship allows it to always have a unified and clear focus and direction to our lives. There is one path and one final say. We always go in the same direction. The submissive or slave MUST trust the vision, guidance, and choices of the Dominant or Master. As much as the Master must relish the thought of being in charge of the path, vision, and well being of those that follow them, the slave or submissive must relish the thought of following someone greater than themselves. They must want to find someone that can see more clearly than themselves. They must want to be moulded and guided. This is what the power exchange is and an entire life can be lived within it's parameters. There is a fulfilment that comes from embracing the true uniqueness that these personalities types express.

Spanking senseless

This lifestyle lends itself to many sadomasochistic activities. Some are forms of corporal punishment and some are just forms of torture. For many of us they are all good and I tend to enjoy both. Included with corporal punishment though is spanking and I have always found it to be different in that a different state of bliss can be achieved. With most other forms of punishment and torture, a state of, known to many as, subspace can be attained. Many subs and slaves thoroughly enjoy reaching this place. It can be very similar to a high or even altered state.

This can be attained through a good spanking as well but there is something more that I have found to be attainable. It is almost like a state of bliss. Subspace is very much about the endorphins released through the process and is, in and of itself, fulfilling for the sub or slave. Spanking can bring about a blissful state that is dependent on the devotion and desire to please within the slave for the Dominant. My slave describes it as proactive rather then reactive. She can become very submissive and malleable after a good flogging but she tends to wait for instruction to break her trance. With a good spanking, part of her trance is absolute attention to me. She becomes hyper focused on my needs and desire and seeks a way to be of service rather then waiting to be instructed to do something. I have also seen this in many other slaves and I think, even if the awareness is merely subconscious, this may be why it is such a popular form of punishment, torture, and play.

What I seek to inspire

As a consentual Master and owner of a slave, I seek to inspire her to reach beyond her current beliefs and capabilities. I seek to help her achieve more than what she believes possible on her own. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of this lifestyle. It gives a very tangible way to accomplish this. I know that the level of commitment and submission that I seek from a slave is more than what many consider possible or, sometimes, healthy but when it inspires my slave to write something like this:

The Art of Slavery: The passion of the slave: I have always admired the faith and devotion and focus I have witnessed some people to have for a chosen belief or calling. Their drive an...

it tells me that there is a purity in this extreme that can be attained.

Going to any extreme can be two edged.  It has the potential to achieve great and wonderful things but there is also an inherent tendency to do great harm. I do not support or condone the damage done to another's psyche and will always warn people venturing into this extreme that there is MORE likelihood of doing harm than benefit. This path takes a vision, discipline, patience, and a determination many do not wish to devote to it. It is not the right choice for many in this lifestyle but it has great reward for those that are willing to do what is necessary to attain it.

This post today, by my slave, describes what I wish to instil within her heart and being. It shows the dedication required from the slave in order to submit and surrender all of who they are. There is a beauty in this level of submission that I can not find elsewhere and it is what I live for.

The lady doth protest but not too much

I enjoy a lot of the interactions that come with this lifestyle. I purchased a couple of toys the other day and my slave knew that I was picking up something. She didn't know what, as I didn't have anything specific in mind, but she was excited by the idea. When she saw them for the first time I got the reaction that I desired. She was horrified :D. I have a specific paddle that I use for use in her correction and punishment. I use this because her first Master only used a paddle for that as well and she has an emotional connection to paddling. It works well. I have gotten her used to one specific paddle being set aside for a punishment tool while others are included in with the play toys. She still has an aversion to paddles but now it is specifically directed at a specific one. I thought is was about time to remove her general aversion to paddling so I bought two new ones.

She was considerably surprised and immediately began to protest. I get such a kick out of listening to a slave protest while trying to inform me that she realizes that she will enjoy it if it is my will but it isn't what she would have wanted or expected. I love those moments of panic and desperation as the world begins to crumble in a fun way. I took my time in explaining the paddles and each of their assets. One paddle was a modified ping pong paddle. It had fur on one side with tiny little spike that scratch when pressed hard enough. I had her feel the fur and enjoy it and then showed her the deceptive aspect of it. I described to her how fur can warm the skin and bring the blood to the surface to enhance the effect of paddling. The second one I bought was this beautiful long polished bubinga paddle. It is such a beautiful wood. I had her feel it and hold it while I talked about the beauty of it and the virtues of this paddle. I told her how the skin stretches without interruption or distortion with a paddle this smooth and described the warmth and glow that come from just such a paddle.

She protested more while explaining that my will would be hers :D. It was so much fun. I do enjoy savouring moment such as these.

Then we began. I knew that, if done in an escalating way, she would enjoy it. She has shown an affinity spanking so this is merely another form of that experience. By the time I was done, she was happy with my purchase and all protests had ceased. I have her wondering what I'll bring home next though :D

Hearing vs Listening

Over the years I have observed that a great many people don't make a distinction between hearing what someone is saying and listening to what someone is saying. I find that there is a very significant difference and can be valuable in understanding how this applies to a relationship.

Hearing is a passive event. Hearing is a matter of detecting sound waves and interpreting the physical effects of them as an noise that can be analyzed. This does not have to be consciously analyzed and will happen whether we think about it or not. Hearing is accomplished with the ears.

Listening is interactive. It requires focus and conscious analysis. Listening relies on hearing but happens outside of the ears. Listening relies on the ears but happens in the mind. This doesn't mean that what is listened to is comprehended but rather that the effort is made to understand and make sense of it.

I have been told by many people that they just need to "be heard" and seen a great deal of import in our society placed on "being heard". I believe that this is actually a misnomer as they are being heard. If our ears are functional and undamaged, we hear whether we choose to or not. We can, however, choose not to listen.

Thinking that hearing is the same as listening causes a great many problems in our world but no where more personal then in our relationships. If we don't listen to others involved in a relationship with us, how can we understand what their needs, motivation, drives, emotions, or thoughts are? In an M/s relationship, a Master is responsible for guiding a slave towards a goal that has been previously set. That could be ways of pleasing the Master or ways of enhancing the slaves distinct traits or personal goals. In order to accomplish this, the Master needs to know what is happening within the slaves mind, heart, and body so that a trajectory from where the slave is to attainment of the goal can be plotted. If the slave veers from the path, the Master needs to understand where the slave has veered to so that the slaves course may be corrected and they can be brought back onto the path. A Master is going to hear a slave whether or not they wish to but that won't necessarily help in guiding them back to where they need to be. Correct and effective guidance requires  Listening to the slave so that the Master can hope to understand the slaves position and present them with a correction that will help them achieve the desired goal.

As a Master, how many times have you told a slave, in great detail, what you would like them to do and then have them completely misunderstand what you asked for. This is from the slave hearing you but not listening. When they are not giving full attention to your instruction, the slave is apt to miss some words or meanings and then attempt to use their own. This leads to an inefficient use of time instructing as well as completing the given task. If the instruction was given as a course correction and heard but not listened to, the course will not be corrected and the process will have to be repeated. This happens from time to time naturally but can be dramatically minimized through understanding these concepts and working with them.

As a Master, learning the difference between hearing and listening can give dramatically better results with far less effort than randomly trying to adjust course or maintain a slave. Teaching a slave to listen rather than hear can dramatically decrease the amount of effort in guidance when they are always attempting to listen rather than just hear you. If they understand the difference and see that the Master is listening to them, they are unlikely to feel like they aren't "being heard".

Are Discipline and Punishment the same or is there a difference?

I was describing my thoughts on the differences between play, discipline, and punishment today and, while I was writing it out, thought that I would do a post and see what others out there think as well.
In my experience, the terms punishment, discipline, and play have been used

interchangeably in this lifestyle and I have come to believe that many don't understand the usefulness or distinction of them.
I believe that play is done strictly for fun. It can include some role play or scene play where the slave/sub/bottom is doing something to deserve punishment but it is strictly play and meant that way. The physical, verbal, emotional, or environmental ramifications are meant to be enjoyed.
I believe that it is the job of the Dominant to guide and educate the slave/sub and discipline and punishment are tools to accomplish this. If this isn't the motivation for the use of these tools, I believe that it is abuse and not guidance. I realize that some women want this but I don't believe that it is part of the M/s or D/s dynamic. I believe that many people call themselves Masters or Dominants to excuse the fact that they are abusive.
Discipline is meant to correct the behavior, thought pattern, or belief of a slave/sub. It is done in reaction to some form of disobedience, displeasing action/thought, or inadequate effort by the slave/sub that was not done willfully or purposefully. It was done through ignorance or accident. Here it is the Master/Dom's job to educate the slave/sub and teach them what they have done in error and what the correct path would have been thus eliminating the infraction in the future. The whole point of discipline is correction and frequently doesn't require any kind of physical reprimand or repercussions. An example of this would be if the Master/Dom asked for a tuna sandwich and the slave/sub interpreted this as a request for a tuna salad sandwich. If the slave/sub makes that sandwich with salad dressing like Miracle Whip and the Master/Dom did desire a tuna salad sandwich but only likes mayonnaise a correction is needed. The slave/sub would be mortified enough by creating displeasure in their master, as this was not intended, that discussion and clarification is all that is needed to ensure that the sandwich will me made correctly in the future. I realize that this is a very minor infraction but the idea holds. It was done without willfully or purposely attempting to displease the Dominant.
Punishment is used for when a slave/sub willfully or purposely displeases the Master/Dom. Here it isn't a matter of education, as they already new that their behavior, belief, or thought is unacceptable, it is a matter of re-education and motivation. Here the slave/sub did not consider the detrimental results of their actions to out weigh the benefit of them. This means that they must be taught that they were in error and the detrimental repercussions DO outweigh ANY benefit that they get from the action. Here the Master/Dom must find a punishment that is unpleasant enough for the slave/sub that they will never again wish to recreate this event. If the slave/sub is not dissuaded from the behavior by the mere fact tha it would displease their Dominant then additional motivation MUST be given to prevent a recurrence of this behavior in the future. As previously stated, punishment is to correct behavior, thought, action, belief. It should NEVER be pleasurable. If it is, the Master/Dom is, in fact, encouraging future episodes similar or identical to the infraction that made the punishment necessary. This being said, the Master/Dom must choose a punishment that fits the crime. If the punishment for a minor infraction is the same as a major infraction, the slave/sub loses the ability to believe that they are being treated fairly. This will inevitably lead to a lack of respect and trust in the Master/Dom which is NEVER a good thing. Respect and trust are the foundations of this lifestyle and dynamic. With proper use of discipline and punishment this can be built but if there is no distinction between them then trust and respect are eroded as the relationship becomes about play and fear rather than love and respect.