I have heard many discussions over the years on whether or not there is equality in relationships and whether or not it is needed. At first I thought that this was a valid question. Many greatly respected people had asked it or commented on it. It seemed to be of great significance so I tried finding it.It took quite some time but I finally found that there is no such thing as equality in a relationship.....
I'm certain that this statement got some internal comments but it is true none the less. Relationships encompass a great many factors, emotions, functions, roles, and responsibilities. Given pieces of a relationship might be equal to another piece but, unless all parties involved in the relationship are clones of each other, all parties cannot be equal in all aspects and all pieces of the relationship. It is not possible. There will always be differences, and since it is a relationship, the way one person does something in relationship to others defines the relationship. The thought of equality in a relationship is and illusion. Both parties may have the same amount of to offer but the way they come together in one differentiates it from the other. They are not the same so they can't be equal but they can be of value.
Our society places so much import on being equal in a relationship that they overlook having a beneficial relationship. If a person realizes that it is impossible to be equals in a relationship then you can begin looking for someone that will benefit you in a relationship. Why get all caught up in who is making the decisions or choosing the path just so that you can make certain that you are equal. Let's face it. You are a person, the other people involved in the relationship are people. In that aspect you are equal and can never be otherwise. You can be called something other than a person but that doesn't make it so. A rose is a rose. By any other name it is still a rose. Focus on who does what best and on how you can get the greatest satisfaction out of what you are doing.
If you do not believe that your Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress is better at making decision than you are, why are you submitting to them? If you don't trust your leader to lead, why follow? If you are trying to go in one direction, why choose to have two navigators pointing in two different directions? It is not a matter of equality when it comes to a D/s or M/s relationship but rather trust and delegation. If someone is better at something than you are, let them do it. Find what your greatest value is in the relationship and do that. Looking for this actually applies to subs and slaves as well. If taking initiative is going to be detrimental to your relationship and you wish to remain in the relationship, it isn't beneficial to do things that you are not instructed to do. If this is what you desire then look to do what you have been instructed to do as good as you possibly can and this will add value to you part in the relationship. Don't worry about equality, focus on value. An apple is not equal to an orange but can be just as valuable to the right person.
Power Exchange relationships are not based on equality. They are based on direction. In a regular vanilla relationship, equal partners have two direction to follow and both are equal in weight, priority, and validity. This means that the relationship goes back and forth between two separate directions and only moves forward when both parties agree on the same direction. In a M/s relationship, only 1 person determines the direction and course that the relationship goes in. This allows for a very focused and straight path. If the dominant is good at selecting the path and keeping all parties focused on and working for this path, it can be an incredibly fulfilling process. It can eliminate the struggle and stress that comes from trying to make your path the one that is chosen and leave only the joy of working together on a unified path. In the end, don't we get involved in relationships so that we can join with another. Even vanilla relationships are about building a life together. Power Exchange relationships merely take the struggle out of it and allow a true coming together and joining of purpose. It seems to me that focusing on equality takes away from the idea of having a relationship and working together. It actually causes struggle. I tend to think that the idea of equality in a relationship is highly over rated.
This post very much describes things I've slowly been discovering. I used to be such a stickler about equality and making sure the relationship was balanced, and now I realize that a balanced relationship is the opposite of an equal relationship. I feel like things I have been learning from this new lifestyle is making such a positive impact in the way I view future relationships that I'm surprised I've never noticed this before.
ReplyDeleteI have always found that being consciously aware of motivations and results, without judgement, allows us to find and achieve what will give us the results we truly desire. I'm happy that this rant was of some benefit to you :)
DeleteWWth all due respect, while I was 37 years in a vanilla relationship I never considered that all things are equal other than as a valued humans we are all equal. That is to say there is not a higher value because one is dominant and the other is not, does not diminish them as having a higher place. Rather I believe the value is in being different and recognizing the difference as THE VALUE in and of itself. When the differences became the problem, what followed a lack of trust. Therefore respect was lost, then separation soon followed.
ReplyDeleteIn my Vanilla world I was more dominant because he wouldn't. He lacked confidence, self-esteem, and willpower to become more. His insecurities were intended to make me feel sorry for him and constantly demanded mothering. meanwhile when the children arrived he was generally the more needy, the less capable person- even more so than our children's. It was not a balance I wanted or needed, but that's the way it was and I got used to it. Our marriage was void of intimacy, and I had to make all the important decisions, but act like he was making them. He was a poor financial manager but he was the "man" so he handled them and the debts and bills stacked up because the money disappeared into muscle-cars.
I was the baddy who disciplined the children and cared for them. I was just as stranded as a single mom. Then he had the gall to cry and wine to the children about how bad I was treating him, and used their disagreements and objections to balance and rules to undermine me to a point where he succeeded to alienate them against me and completely involve them during the divorce. They now refuse to have anything to do with me.
In our current relationship Master Michael takes the lead willingly. I follow- willingly. We plan - together. Sometimes my idea may work better but we always agree to reach for the best solution with flexibility. We have each different responsibilities that help make our daily lives and everything we do work the best we can. We also have very different roles. I serve him. But he serves me in a greater way that allows me to serve him. That does not make us unequall! It makes us different in a very complementry way. If there is discrepancy then we need more time to figure it out- in the end I trust him and respect him enough to give way to him. He is Master and I honer him. The way I honer him is by being willing to follow his lead. Submissivness does not make him greater and me less. WE compliment one-another! it works great!
I may wear the tool-belt around the house, but he sees to it that I have at hand the tools and materials. He is a Grand Chef, but I do most of the cooking and cleaning; because I enjoy serving him in that way. It satisfies us both. In intimacy where Master takes complete control, it still requires a lot of participation from me, otherwise there would be no dances. WE are very different but very co-operative Master is very much in charge and I do my best to make it so.
Good post!
Thanks for your comments Serafina. Not all vanilla relationships achieve the equality that we are taught to seek as not all M/s or D/s relationships achieve a unified focus and direction. You show so clearly how the traditional thought pattern does not necessarily lead to happiness but can actually be as damaging as anything in a Power Exchange relationship. Alienating children from their parent is, in my opinion, contemptible but happens all the time because of divided focus.
DeleteThe description of your current relationship is an example of what I consider a focused path that allows for a healthy, beneficial, sharing, and fulfilling life. I have never understood why a Dominant would not take FULL advantage of a slaves mind and use it to help in seeing all angles and repercussions to a direction and help in determining the best and most beneficial path. Using a cooking metaphor, it is like having a set of professional Henkel's and refusing to use anything other than a pairing knife. What a waste. Thank you for your openness.