Power Exchange and BDSM

I like to watch and encourage people to find and develop relationships that benefit and suit them regardless of my own preferences and desires. On occasion I participate in a number of online discussions and forums that pertain to alternate lifestyles. It is amazing how often I see people referring to Power Exchange and TPE as a part of BDSM. It really isn't. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. This anagram was coined in the 1990's by a group of communities that had a crossover of practices in order to combine the communities and make them stronger. While Power Exchange CAN be viewed through the perception and perspective of Dominance & Submission, it isn't ONLY that. My grandfather was always the head of his household but I cannot begin to describe his life with my grandmother as a BDSM relationship.

Power Exchange is merely a form of relationship that determines the direction and structure of decision making. In modern society a romantic relationship is supposed to be a partnership. This means that you have multiple people being responsible for decisions. Sometime the group goes in the direction of one partners choice and at other times it goes in the direction of the other partner. This is a multidirectional focus for the relationship. In a Power Exchange structure, one person makes the decisions for all parties involved and thus make for a unidirectional focus. Some tend to think that this means that other participants don't have a say and this is completely untrue. In some relationships this happens but that isn't a required, or encouraged, part of the structure. In fact, most long lasting and healthy Power Exchange relationships utilize discussion and input from all parties involved.

It is nice to have a community for people to look to for support especially when they are involved in what is considered an alternate lifestyle. That doesn't make their way the only way to practice some of the ideas that they have adopted. Unfortunately, a large percentage of the public BDSM community seem to think that they have to force everyone that has similar activities into doing things their way. This usually winds up centering around "Kink". It has always amazed me how judgmental people in an alternate, and frequently judged, lifestyle can be. How do they not see the hypocrisy in being judgmental?

I have heard many people talk about desiring a Power Exchange relationship but not enjoying pain OR bondage. In point of fact, many have no interest in ANY kind of kink, they merely desire to serve and be guided. There is a whole BDSM fetish devoted to the 1950's household (Obviously BEFORE BDSM was coined). To the best of my knowledge, the percentage of people practicing BDSM hasn't dropped from 100% in 1950 to less than 1% today. This tells me that there is a LOT more to the idea of a 1950's household than what is experienced through the confines of BDSM. Theoretically, someone could live this lifestyle without ANY kink at all. Now there's a shocking notion.

I responded to a posting in a group called Code d’ Odalisque the other day where a gentleman was expressing his joy in finding the group because he and his wife were not interested in pain and a lot of the other kinks involved in BDSM. Apparently he had found it difficult to find people to talk to and share ideas with because he didn't fit in to the kink side of things well. When they came across this idea and group, they knew immediately that they had found what they were seeking. I encouraged him to explore this new idea and vision and embrace it for what it could become for them. The fact that I desire a touch of sadomasochism in my relationship is irrelevant. The fact is, they don't and that is fine. There is a place for them and I was happy that they had found it.

All I'm trying to get at is that maybe, as a community, it is time for us to stop judging and begin encouraging. People don't have to be part of the community to deserve encouragement and support. Instead of trying to make them fit into the community, help them to find their own road. The more people learn to accept those that are different than themselves, the more freedom each of us will have to pursue our own beliefs, desires, and practices. If it is consensual, help them explore THEIR dream. As much as I enjoy some of the kinky aspects of this lifestyle, I have no wish to be DEFINED by it. I live my life the way I choose and aspects of the BDSM community fit into it but there is MUCH more to my life than that. I would love to encourage people to view their guidance through different eyes. Instead of trying to guide people into the community try using the assets of the community to guide them into an understanding of what they desire. Help them grow rather than helping them blend.

Why do People Seek Equality in Releationships

I have heard many discussions over the years on whether or not there is equality in relationships and whether or not it is needed. At first I thought that this was a valid question. Many greatly respected people had asked it or commented on it. It seemed to be of great significance so I tried finding it.

It took quite some time but I finally found that there is no such thing as equality in a relationship.....

I'm certain that this statement got some internal comments but it is true none the less. Relationships encompass a great many factors, emotions, functions, roles, and responsibilities. Given pieces of a relationship might be equal to another piece but, unless all parties involved in the relationship are clones of each other, all parties cannot be equal in all aspects and all pieces of the relationship. It is not possible. There will always be differences, and since it is a relationship, the way one person does something in relationship to others defines the relationship. The thought of equality in a relationship is and illusion. Both parties may have the same amount of to offer but the way they come together in one differentiates it from the other. They are not the same so they can't be equal but they can be of value.

Our society places so much import on being equal in a relationship that they overlook having a beneficial relationship. If a person realizes that it is impossible to be equals in a relationship then you can begin looking for someone that will benefit you in a relationship. Why get all caught up in who is making the decisions or choosing the path just so that you can make certain that you are equal. Let's face it. You are a person, the other people involved in the relationship are people. In that aspect you are equal and can never be otherwise. You can be called something other than a person but that doesn't make it so. A rose is a rose. By any other name it is still a rose. Focus on who does what best and on how you can get the greatest satisfaction out of what you are doing.

If you do not believe that your Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress is better at making decision than you are, why are you submitting to them? If you don't trust your leader to lead, why follow? If you are trying to go in one direction, why choose to have two navigators pointing in two different directions? It is not a matter of equality when it comes to a D/s or M/s relationship but rather trust and delegation. If someone is better at something than you are, let them do it. Find what your greatest value is in the relationship and do that. Looking for this actually applies to subs and slaves as well. If taking initiative is going to be detrimental to your relationship and you wish to remain in the relationship, it isn't beneficial to do things that you are not instructed to do. If this is what you desire then look to do what you have been instructed to do as good as you possibly can and this will add value to you part in the relationship. Don't worry about equality, focus on value. An apple is not equal to an orange but can be just as valuable to the right person.

Power Exchange relationships are not based on equality. They are based on direction. In a regular vanilla relationship, equal partners have two direction to follow and both are equal in weight, priority, and validity. This means that the relationship goes back and forth between two separate directions and only moves forward when both parties agree on the same direction. In a M/s relationship, only 1 person determines the direction and course that the relationship goes in. This allows for a very focused and straight path. If the dominant is good at selecting the path and keeping all parties focused on and working for this path, it can be an incredibly fulfilling process. It can eliminate the struggle and stress that comes from trying to make your path the one that is chosen and leave only the joy of working together on a unified path. In the end, don't we get involved in relationships so that we can join with another. Even vanilla relationships are about building a life together. Power Exchange relationships merely take the struggle out of it and allow a true coming together and joining of purpose. It seems to me that focusing on equality takes away from the idea of having a relationship and working together. It actually causes struggle. I tend to think that the idea of equality in a relationship is highly over rated.

The History and Application of - Cupping

Cupping has a long history and can be traced back as far as 3000 B.C. It was a technique mentioned in The Papyrus Ebers, the oldest known medical book found in Egypt. In Greece, Hippocrates used cupping as a remedy for internal disease and structural problems. In western medicine cupping was considered one of the basic skills a doctor must know up until the end of the 19th century. It is still practiced by many homeopathic health practitioners and in traditional Chinese medicine as a method of applying acupressure.

Cupping is the practice of creating a low pressure area inside a cup that is sealed against a persons skin. The difference in pressure pulls the skin into the cup and draws blood flow to the area. There are many ways to accomplish this and they involve a number of fetishes and this is why it has gained some notoriety in the BDSM community. It was first introduced into the public BDSM and Kink community as an extension to fire play. The low pressure is created in the cup by heating the air inside the cup and then placing it on the skin. When the air cools, it creates a vacuum inside the cup. The next fetish group that was draw to this practice were those connected to blood play. Blood cupping is a form of blood letting and has gained a lot of popularity with this fetish group. A small incision is made in the skin and then the cupping is done over top which draws blood up into the cup. It has reached beyond these two groups and is now quite popular with anyone interested in sensation play or marking. Cupping can leave little red marks where the cups were placed that can last several hours all the way up to deep bruising caused by repeated application to the same area.

There are far too many aspects of cupping to cover in this one post so I will be focusing on vacuum pump cupping and fire cupping. Many look at this as a completely safe activity but keep in mind that it was a medical procedure long before it became a kink and can have many negative side effects and ramifications. First and foremost is it should not be done on pregnant women without a good understanding of acupressure as it can induce labor. Adhere to SSC (Safe Sane and Consensual) Practices and utilize RACK(Risk Aware Consensual Kink) practices. Understand the risks, discuss them with your partner, and make certain it is understood and consented to.

Mechanical vacuum cupping is probably the easiest and safest to get started with even though there is specific equipment that you will need. The first thing to know before you start is how to release the pressure. Most sets have a rapid release system. Be very familiar with it. Test it on gentle settings before you move on to more extreme play. This form of cupping can create far more vacuum than other systems. In a lot of cupping sets there are a number of different sizes of cups. They can be used on different parts of the body for different effects. Some of which can be quite painful. Some cups have pressure stimulating nodes that can allow the skin to be drawn up around them so that they apply pressure to a specific point while creating a vacuum all around the center. Some of these are metal and can also be used in conjunction with electro stimulation.

Fire cupping doesn't create as much suction but is much more dramatic to watch. This one is fraught with dangers though and a firm understanding of fire play techniques, safety, and protocol is highly recommended before you try this. Make absolutely certain that all of the dangers inherent to fire have been addressed before starting this procedure.

Instead of using a vacuum pump, a vacuum is created by air (heated by fire) in a glass cup placed flush against the recipients skin. As the air cools in the cup, a vacuum forms that pulls up on the skin, stimulating the desired effect. There are several ways of heating the air in the cup with fire:

1. One can swab rubbing alcohol (70% or 90%) into the bottom of a cup, then light it and place the cup immediately against the skin. By creating the seal the immediate loss of oxygen puts the fire out, preventing the person from being burned. The smaller the amount of alcohol, and the quicker the flame is extinguished by application of the cup, the better, so long as there is no risk of the cups falling off due to lack of a proper seal.
2.  One can hold the cup inverted over a flame (e.g. a lit candle), heating the air, then place the cup immediately against the skin. Care must be taken not to heat the glass itself. Even so, the person to whom the cup is applied will feel distinctly more heat than in the previous method.
3. One can ignite a flame with a small alcohol-soaked cotton wad resting on a small pad of leather or other insulating material that rests directly on the recipient's skin, then place the cup immediately over the flame, putting out the fire. The quickness with which the flame is extinguished depends on the size and shape of the cup.

Methods 1 and 2 heat the glass to some extent and have a risk of burning the recipient if not carefully executed. Method 3 risks the cotton falling off the insulating pad onto the recipient's skin, and leaves the pad and cotton wadding inside the adhering cup which could be considered cumbersome.
Baby oil massaged onto the skin first causes a better seal to form, making it possible to use this technique with less heating of the cup. It is often possible to slide the adhered cup around on the skin, preserving the suction seal as it glides. Care must be taken not to move the cup over protruding moles, skin tags, scabs, etc. This can prove to be an interesting sensation.

The longer a cup is left on, the more of a circular mark (like a hickey) is created. The skin pores are more open, and the patient may have a feeling like sunburn.  There are, of course, more techniques and ways to apply this. Which ever way you choose to play, make certain it is as safe as it can be made and that all risks have been assessed. Surprises with fire are never a good thing.