Submissive or Slave

I frequently see the distinction between these two roles of submissive and slave getting muddied and misconstrued to the point that it is extremely difficult to see any meaningful difference between them and the labels end up being used interchangeably. I realize that labels and language change with culture, region, dialect, and person but I find it helpful to have definitive and logical distinctions between differing labels so that communication can be enhanced rather than confused.

Labels like submissive, sub, or subby can all be looked at as interchangeable because they are all based on the same word, Some may use them as differing levels or types of submissive but they are all obviously based on the submissive label. When a completely new word is introduced then it becomes important to make certain that the meaning doesn't stay the same or there is no point in having a new word. If it is merely a matter of degree of the one word then a prefix or adjective is a much more logical way of defining it.

If the two labels are to be used to define and indicate two different roles then it is important to understand the difference between them. I have heard many say that the difference is in whether or not the submissive is owned or not. This, however does not indicate a difference in the role merely a difference in the status of the individual so this can not be the defining difference between them. Some say that the difference is a matter of choice. A submissive chooses to submit and a slave doesn't. In most of the countries in the world, everyone has choice. Forced slavery is illegal and certainly can be talked about openly like it is so that can't truly be the distinction. I have heard others say that it is a matter of limits. A submissive has limits and a slave does not. This doesn't seem to hold true for the people that consider themselves a sex slave or a service slave. Also, very few people are able to give up authority for all aspects of their being to the point that they have no limits so, if there is validity in this, I would think it is much more in the reason that they are able to give up all authority. I have even heard some come soooo close to a distinction in using a desire to serve to distinguish between a true submissive and a wannabe sub. The problem here is that many of those wannabe subs will still serve there Dominant and they are submitting to the Dominants will by choice. Wanting to do this actually means that they want to serve.

All of these idea hover around the motivation of the submissive or slave and I believe that the true distinction between the roles lies within this area. The thing that all of these attempts at distinction hover around is focus. If the submissive or slave is owned, why would they choose that and why would they choose not to? If the person is choosing to submit or doing it because they are told to, what is the significant difference in there focus when it comes to a relationship? If this person chooses to relinquish ALL authority over EVERY aspect of their being or they choose to retain some semblance of autonomy over their own choices and experiences, what is the difference in focus? Since both submissive and slave are submissive in nature and action, I tend to think that the distinguishing and defining characteristic tends to lay within the answer to this question. What is their focus? One of the most telling of these attempts is actually the no limits slave as it indicates the distinction in focus quite clearly. A submissive wishes to maintain some authority and control over their experience so they are focused very clearly on what they are going to do and get out of the experience. A slave gives up all authority to another and focuses on what the Dominant wants out of the experience. They focus on another above themselves.

Basically, both roles require a person that is submissive but, as a role, the submissive is giving up authority for themselves in some limited fashion to gain the thrill of doing something that they wouldn't allow themselves to do otherwise. They gain pleasure and excitement out of transferring authority for their actions to someone else knowing that they will be told to do things that they would blame themselves for if they chose to do them on their own. This frees them from self blame and judgement and allows them to become as wild as they would like. In this format they can tell themselves that what they are doing is out of their control. But their focus is on what they get out of it.

A slave enjoys this freedom from self condemnation as well but they are primarily focused on pleasing someone else. For them, submitting to a Master gives them someone to focus their service on and that is what gives their life meaning. They are looking for someone to focus on in some or all areas of their life. In essence, this is the fundamental motivation and driving force that allows a person to become a no limits slave.

Although both roles are remarkably similar in many aspects, the truly defining feature that differentiates the people in them is in fact the focus. If you are wondering what you are and what to define yourself as, consider what you are focused on. Are you looking to have someone provide you with freedom of self responsibility or are you looking to find someone to serve and devote your life to. The answer to this question will tell you whether you are a submissive or slave. Understand that there is crossover in focus but it is the primary and driving motivation that makes the difference.

Power Exchange and BDSM

I like to watch and encourage people to find and develop relationships that benefit and suit them regardless of my own preferences and desires. On occasion I participate in a number of online discussions and forums that pertain to alternate lifestyles. It is amazing how often I see people referring to Power Exchange and TPE as a part of BDSM. It really isn't. BDSM is an acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. This anagram was coined in the 1990's by a group of communities that had a crossover of practices in order to combine the communities and make them stronger. While Power Exchange CAN be viewed through the perception and perspective of Dominance & Submission, it isn't ONLY that. My grandfather was always the head of his household but I cannot begin to describe his life with my grandmother as a BDSM relationship.

Power Exchange is merely a form of relationship that determines the direction and structure of decision making. In modern society a romantic relationship is supposed to be a partnership. This means that you have multiple people being responsible for decisions. Sometime the group goes in the direction of one partners choice and at other times it goes in the direction of the other partner. This is a multidirectional focus for the relationship. In a Power Exchange structure, one person makes the decisions for all parties involved and thus make for a unidirectional focus. Some tend to think that this means that other participants don't have a say and this is completely untrue. In some relationships this happens but that isn't a required, or encouraged, part of the structure. In fact, most long lasting and healthy Power Exchange relationships utilize discussion and input from all parties involved.

It is nice to have a community for people to look to for support especially when they are involved in what is considered an alternate lifestyle. That doesn't make their way the only way to practice some of the ideas that they have adopted. Unfortunately, a large percentage of the public BDSM community seem to think that they have to force everyone that has similar activities into doing things their way. This usually winds up centering around "Kink". It has always amazed me how judgmental people in an alternate, and frequently judged, lifestyle can be. How do they not see the hypocrisy in being judgmental?

I have heard many people talk about desiring a Power Exchange relationship but not enjoying pain OR bondage. In point of fact, many have no interest in ANY kind of kink, they merely desire to serve and be guided. There is a whole BDSM fetish devoted to the 1950's household (Obviously BEFORE BDSM was coined). To the best of my knowledge, the percentage of people practicing BDSM hasn't dropped from 100% in 1950 to less than 1% today. This tells me that there is a LOT more to the idea of a 1950's household than what is experienced through the confines of BDSM. Theoretically, someone could live this lifestyle without ANY kink at all. Now there's a shocking notion.

I responded to a posting in a group called Code d’ Odalisque the other day where a gentleman was expressing his joy in finding the group because he and his wife were not interested in pain and a lot of the other kinks involved in BDSM. Apparently he had found it difficult to find people to talk to and share ideas with because he didn't fit in to the kink side of things well. When they came across this idea and group, they knew immediately that they had found what they were seeking. I encouraged him to explore this new idea and vision and embrace it for what it could become for them. The fact that I desire a touch of sadomasochism in my relationship is irrelevant. The fact is, they don't and that is fine. There is a place for them and I was happy that they had found it.

All I'm trying to get at is that maybe, as a community, it is time for us to stop judging and begin encouraging. People don't have to be part of the community to deserve encouragement and support. Instead of trying to make them fit into the community, help them to find their own road. The more people learn to accept those that are different than themselves, the more freedom each of us will have to pursue our own beliefs, desires, and practices. If it is consensual, help them explore THEIR dream. As much as I enjoy some of the kinky aspects of this lifestyle, I have no wish to be DEFINED by it. I live my life the way I choose and aspects of the BDSM community fit into it but there is MUCH more to my life than that. I would love to encourage people to view their guidance through different eyes. Instead of trying to guide people into the community try using the assets of the community to guide them into an understanding of what they desire. Help them grow rather than helping them blend.

Why do People Seek Equality in Releationships

I have heard many discussions over the years on whether or not there is equality in relationships and whether or not it is needed. At first I thought that this was a valid question. Many greatly respected people had asked it or commented on it. It seemed to be of great significance so I tried finding it.

It took quite some time but I finally found that there is no such thing as equality in a relationship.....

I'm certain that this statement got some internal comments but it is true none the less. Relationships encompass a great many factors, emotions, functions, roles, and responsibilities. Given pieces of a relationship might be equal to another piece but, unless all parties involved in the relationship are clones of each other, all parties cannot be equal in all aspects and all pieces of the relationship. It is not possible. There will always be differences, and since it is a relationship, the way one person does something in relationship to others defines the relationship. The thought of equality in a relationship is and illusion. Both parties may have the same amount of to offer but the way they come together in one differentiates it from the other. They are not the same so they can't be equal but they can be of value.

Our society places so much import on being equal in a relationship that they overlook having a beneficial relationship. If a person realizes that it is impossible to be equals in a relationship then you can begin looking for someone that will benefit you in a relationship. Why get all caught up in who is making the decisions or choosing the path just so that you can make certain that you are equal. Let's face it. You are a person, the other people involved in the relationship are people. In that aspect you are equal and can never be otherwise. You can be called something other than a person but that doesn't make it so. A rose is a rose. By any other name it is still a rose. Focus on who does what best and on how you can get the greatest satisfaction out of what you are doing.

If you do not believe that your Dom/Domme or Master/Mistress is better at making decision than you are, why are you submitting to them? If you don't trust your leader to lead, why follow? If you are trying to go in one direction, why choose to have two navigators pointing in two different directions? It is not a matter of equality when it comes to a D/s or M/s relationship but rather trust and delegation. If someone is better at something than you are, let them do it. Find what your greatest value is in the relationship and do that. Looking for this actually applies to subs and slaves as well. If taking initiative is going to be detrimental to your relationship and you wish to remain in the relationship, it isn't beneficial to do things that you are not instructed to do. If this is what you desire then look to do what you have been instructed to do as good as you possibly can and this will add value to you part in the relationship. Don't worry about equality, focus on value. An apple is not equal to an orange but can be just as valuable to the right person.

Power Exchange relationships are not based on equality. They are based on direction. In a regular vanilla relationship, equal partners have two direction to follow and both are equal in weight, priority, and validity. This means that the relationship goes back and forth between two separate directions and only moves forward when both parties agree on the same direction. In a M/s relationship, only 1 person determines the direction and course that the relationship goes in. This allows for a very focused and straight path. If the dominant is good at selecting the path and keeping all parties focused on and working for this path, it can be an incredibly fulfilling process. It can eliminate the struggle and stress that comes from trying to make your path the one that is chosen and leave only the joy of working together on a unified path. In the end, don't we get involved in relationships so that we can join with another. Even vanilla relationships are about building a life together. Power Exchange relationships merely take the struggle out of it and allow a true coming together and joining of purpose. It seems to me that focusing on equality takes away from the idea of having a relationship and working together. It actually causes struggle. I tend to think that the idea of equality in a relationship is highly over rated.